Now You See Me ~ The Making of V!
There is More to Me than You Can See… Why I lost over 300 lbs…
By V. MC
Most commonly, when we talk about weight loss, we focus on how....what methods were used. I would like to share with you WHY I lost over 300 pounds. To me, when making major life improvements, motives are as important as methods. Thank you for this opportunity to share my story with you......................
My BFF
From a child, I always knew that I was different, unique and special. I have always had this sense that I was not like everyone else though in some respects I wanted to be. I always wanted to be accepted by others but in order to do so it seemed that I could not be who I truly was. Even though I wanted to be liked and accepted by others, it has always more important to me to remain connected to my truest self. I had to make a choice…. do I choose to be me and risk being by myself or should I become the person that others wanted me to be. I chose to be me.
Along with this choice came a self-imposed isolation. Even though I was most fulfilled when I was reading and writing, I longed for companionship. I found a friend in food. Food became my trusted companion. So I would spend my days….reading, writing and eating.
The desire to be included and accepted by my peers was always present but the more weight I gained the more I experienced ridicule and rejection. No matter who rejected me, I knew that I could always turn to food for the comfort and companionship that I desired. And I did.
Even though the excessive eating caused me to experience more social rejection, I never saw food as something that was hurting me. To the contrary. Food was always there to support and soothe me. Food became my best friend forever.
My Own Mind
My mother loves to tell the story that from birth, I was self-determined. Like all babies, I was ego-driven. I wanted what I wanted, when I wanted it. And what I wanted was more milk than average newborns. As my mother recounts, I would scream until she would give me a second 8oz bottle of milk. No matter what she did to console or quiet me, I was determined that she would give me what I wanted and I did not stop screaming until she did.
My mother was very challenged by her willful newborn and thus began a relationship that was founded in a warring of wills. She loved her baby but I am sure that she resented my demanding nature. She had no idea that her baby girl was born to face a lifetime of battle of wills.
Throughout my childhood, adolescence and early adulthood, my mother and I struggled with whether I would be the me I wanted to be or who she thought I should be. She interpreted my strong will as disobedience so I had to deal with reprisals for just being who I was. I interpreted her disapproval and frustration of my natural disposition as rejection. I believe that this perception of rejection reinforced my inclination to seek nurturance in other ways.
I was a very introspective child. I always wanted to know why something was the way it was. Especially if something seemed unfair, I had to know why. My parents were typical in their desire to provide a safe home for the family. It was not important to them to entertain my incessant why questions. I was never satisfied when they would tell me, “this is just the way things are”. Just like the dissatisfaction that I had with only one bottle of milk, I could never be satisfied until I found answers to my whys.
In my quest for understanding and for fairness, I was often misunderstood. In elementary school, I developed a reputation for being a troublemaker. If something did not seem right or fair, I made myself the advocate. Whenever I saw what I believed to be injustice, I thought it was my responsibility to come to its defense. Again, without an explanation or resolution of why, I simply would not accept it when my teachers and school administrators said that I should be satisfied with whatever they said just because they were adults. That was not fair to me. So if something did not make sense to me or if no one would answer my need to know why, I would get in trouble.
When the school would call my mother because of what they interpreted as misbehavior, she would be so angry with me. In my limited capacity to cognitively process why everyone else did not understand that I was only trying to help, I would try to be quiet and would turn to food for consolation.
More to Me
With each passing year, I became larger and larger. Because I was also very tall with a large body frame, I did not appear to weigh as much as I did. Even though, my physical presentation was quite overwhelming I wanted people to overlook the outer me to and see the wonderful person under all of that fat. I wanted my family and friends to see that special me that existed beyond my massive girth. I wanted them to see the beauty of my heart that only wanted to love and be loved.
This is probably why I so strongly desired justice and fairness for others. It is what I wanted for myself. I so wanted others to recognize that my tremendous weight did not diminish my worth. It was clear to me; I had important thoughts and feelings that could be beneficial to them if they could only see me for who I truly was.
It seemed that the fat covered me from being seen. My essence and substance as a person was hidden from the world. I had to find a way for people to see and know me for who I really was. Since I was an advocate by nature, I decided to become an activist for those who were hurting. I understood that if people perceived that I could help them they would include, accept and appreciate me for what I brought to their lives.
This was an eureka moment for me. I discovered a way to be accepted without having to give up my fondest friend……food. I became a peer counselor in junior high school and quickly developed a reputation for my ability to give good advice. At one point I even had an advice column. I became popular. My peers wanted to hear my thoughts and feelings about things that concerned or troubled them. I became especially sought after to provide counsel for matters of the heart. Ans while I had never had a boyfriend, girls and boys considered me an expert for their relationship issues. I seemed to have a knack for human dynamics. And I was always very discreet. I would never talk about what someone told me in confidence. People really trusted me and they seemed to like me. Finally, I found a way to have the best of all worlds to me. I had human friendships that did not conflict with my relationship with my BFF ~ food.
I now had friends who valued me for what was inside of me. My thoughts and opinions were a part of me that was hidden underneath the fat. I was considered to be a nice person. I was fun to be around. While I still experienced ridicule, I developed a coping mechanism of only focusing on those who provided me with the acceptance that I needed because they needed me.
I loved school. It provided me with a place to gain more knowledge, have friends even if they were forced by necessity and I could keep eating. I would never miss a day. I even voluntarily attended summer school every year. By the time I was a junior in high school, at the age of 16, I had enough credit hours to graduate.
My Friend Became a Foe
As my weight progressively increased, I encountered several consequences that resulted from morbid obesity. By the time I was in high school, I had become too large to get clothes from the store. I had even outgrown the specialty stores that catered to full-figured women. My mother used to get large swatches of fabric or upholstery covering to make very simple skirts for me with elastic waistbands that would accommodate my ever expanding body.
I always wanted to look my best but I did not make the connection to the fact that I could look better and have more wardrobe choices if I would just stop overeating. My relationship with food was stronger than my desire to take responsibility for the problems I was having or the changes that I needed to make in my eating. I continued to gain more and more weight.
By the time I entered college, I became more aware of how my weight adversely affected my ability to establish solid social relationships. I never dated in high school and that did not matter to me because I had my group of friends who satisfied my need for acceptance. But college was different. Socialization was forged mostly by what you had in common with others. By this time, I was so large that in the most obvious way, I was different from everyone else. Here I was, back where I began…just me and food.
After graduating from college, I entered the workforce. I was now larger than ever. With a degree in Psychology, I began my career in the mental health arena. I was helping others to deal with their life challenges while ignoring my own. Sounds familiar.
I functioned fairly well but I was in no way fulfilled. During this time, I was often sad and depressed. I was also angry and embittered because of my loneliness. The more I ached emotionally, the more I turned to food to console me. I was fully engulfed in an endless cycle of self-destruction.
By the time I was 25, I had several blood transfusions because of dysfunctional uterine bleeding during my menstrual cycles. My cycles were extremely irregular. I would go up to six months without having a period, but when I would menstruate I would bleed profusely. Regularly, I would become so severely anemic because of the loss of blood, I would have to have a DNC to stop the bleeding. My doctor informed me that this was a direct result of my weight.
He explained to me that estrogen is stored in fat cells. Therefore, once I started my menstrual cycle, my abundance of fat cells created too much estrogen that would interfere with my body’s ability to stop bleeding. My doctor advised me that if I did not do something about my weight, I would have to have a medically necessary hysterectomy.
I began to experience another physical challenge that was directly related to being overweight. The poundage began to take its toll on my legs. Sometimes it would seem as if my knees were going to break. My ankles would swell and I had a varicose vein that ruptured in my right leg. Interestingly, amid everything that was happening it was when I began to waddle when I walked, that I was embarrassed. I was ashamed of my unsteady gait but not really embarrassed by my size. Go figure.
My friendship with food had betrayed me. I was now at the risk of never being able to have children or a family because of the fat. My weight had ballooned to over 500 pounds. I had to make a critical choice. I had to choose to accept responsibility for my well-being or face a life filled with frustration and health challenges due to my failure to stop destroying my life with food.
My Reason Why
After a lifetime of emotionally dysfunctional eating it would not be easy to change. I had to ask myself all of the "Why" questions now. It was not so much a matter of what I was eating but what was eating me. Why had food become more important to me than anything else I valued? Why was I causing such harm to myself? How much more was I willing to suffer because of my dysfunctional relationship with food?
I had to face some hard truths. These were very painful truths that I never dealt with because I anesthetized myself with food. I knew that in order to address my eating disorder, I had to deal with the internal pains that were the impetus for my overeating.
I had to acknowledge my hypocrisy in trying to help others while willfully doing such harm to myself. I had to confront the hurt of being misunderstood and therefore rejected as a child. I could no longer ruminate over my pain while consuming massive amounts of food. I had to help and heal myself.
I was now ready and willing to do the work. I had to change my coping and defense mechanisms. Food could no longer be my focus. I had to reconcile my association with why I was eating with how I wanted to live. I was confronted with how I was sabotaging my own happiness and life fulfillment. I had a choice to make.
I had to accept the fact that I was my biggest problem. No matter what I experienced in life, it was my choice if I was going to succumb to the detriments of morbid obesity. I was responsible for my quality of life. I had to make a choice. Was my life was more than food? Decidedly, yes!
With much prayer, introspection and psychotherapy, I began to make multiple behavioral changes. I made several lifestyle changes. I went to a nutritionist, Weight Watchers and I underwent a surgical procedure that helped me to limit the amount of food I could consume. I began to make better food choices and not engorge myself with fattening foods in huge portions. One critical thing that I did was limit the amount of food that I would eat late at night. I also incorporated regular exercise. Initially, I would walk for an hour and eventually I included strength training to my exercise regiment.
Just like my layers of fat, I had multiple layers of motivation that provoked my resolve to get rid of the weight. Aversive consequences were usually not motivating to me, but this was the final straw. The most humiliating experience of my life occurred in the way that I learned that my peak weight was 580 pounds.
I was in the hospital preparing for the surgical procedure and they needed to weight me. I was too heavy to be weighed on any of the hospital scales. Without asking me how I felt about it, a decision was made to take me outside to the loading dock to weigh me on the freight scale.
I wanted to die. The hospital staff talked about me like was not there or like I was an object. Like I really was freight. After weighing me, while taking me to surgery, they announced through their circuit radio system that they had a 600 lbs woman heading for the surgical room….and they need every available man to help them to transfer me to the operation table.
I remember feeling invisible and insignificant. I never wanted to feel that way again. This experience was a strong reinforcement for my commitment to getting the weight off. It also sensitized me to always be mindful to never objectify people. No matter what a person presents, I am always mindful that they have a heart and feelings. It is important to me to treat others the way I want to be treated.
I became my reason why. I wanted to have a better and more fulfilling life. I knew that I had great value and I had an obligation to myself to be my best me. I learned to saturate my environment with positive messages to myself. Daily affirmations of my value and worth became my indulgence. I would block out the negative voices from within or without - that spoke messages of discouragement or defeat to me. Since I had made a decision to live, the vision of my future life fueled me forward…..step by step. I had counseled so many other people on how to achieve goals by walking in the right direction, I knew that each step would bring me closer to my destination.
I would also set small, incremental weight goals for myself. I never thought about the fact that I had over 300 pounds to loose. I would say I have to loose 5 or 10 pounds and when I would do that then I would reset the same goal. Pound by pound and inch by inch I eventually reached the milestone loss.
Another thing that I did to motivate myself was to buy a size 26/28 pair of jeans from Lane Bryant. (Remember, when I was in high school, I was too large for store-bought clothes.) By this time, the full-figured fashion industry was making things in larger sizes. While I could not wear the jeans yet, they represented a tangible target upon which I could set my focus.
I’ll never forget the exhilarating feeling I had when I could finally fit into those pants. I had lost my first 100 lbs and being able to fit into the jeans was a great reward for me. It was the first time I remember feeling sexy. All of my life I had been told that I had a pretty face. Now, I could look at my body and see a glimmer of attractiveness. I continued the practice of purchasing a garment that I could not wear and re-experiencing the triumph of putting it on after I had lost more weight.
At Weight Watchers we had a saying, “nothing tastes as good as being thinner feels”. How very true that was. As much as I loved the feelings associated with eating fattening foods, it absolutely paled in comparison to the gratification of achieving my fitness goals. I am 6' tall and now I can wear a size 14/16 and there is nothing that I eat that compares to how I feel when I look my best.
I also learned to silence the voices of those who said things to me that were destructive to my emotional and psychological well-being. I no longer allowed others to make their pain my problem. If someone wanted to reject me because they did not accept me for who I was, I learned to not internalize their issues. I was always willing to grow together with others but I would no longer forfeit my power for self-growth and development. I had to have healthy ways of dealing with issues because food was no longer my toxic friend.
I had to learn how to be consciously aware of people or situations that could contaminate my internal clarity of who I was and what I wanted to do. I was no longer confused about who I was. I was prepared to take ownership for the realities that I create and control. My life focus was still to advocate for people and causes but I had to learn to help myself before I could truly help someone else.
Learning to love myself for who I am was pivotal in being able to reach my weight loss goals. Love always grows progressively. I found that as I treated myself better, I felt better and better about myself. This is another endless cycle but one that is positive and productive.
The Greater Challenge
The weight came off as gradually as I gained it. I did not have a radical reduction of weight which I believe was beneficial to me. Because my motive was to be the best me that I can be, I was not in competition against anything. Even now, I would still like to lose another 25 lbs. and I think that I will continue to inch toward that goal but it is as important for me to continue to love myself for where I am. And, I do...........
If I had to identify the most important keys to my weight loss, it would be loving and accepting myself and never giving up. I follow this pattern in achieving all life goals. By seeding my life with positive affirmations of success, I am able to stay true to my vision for a victorious life.
Losing so much weight has given me an personal memorial to the strength of the human spirit to overcome every challenge. At the same time, I strongly believe that although losing the weight was indeed challenging, the greater challenge is keeping it off. I am so very grateful that I had my "why" awakening and chose to live a truly fulfilling life.
Since losing the lion’s share of poundage, I have had weight fluctuations. I try to always be conscious of myself when I begin to put on weight. I pay attention to the stressors in my life. When I notice that my clothes do not fit as well I am mindful to not let it get out of control. I have found that my body responds very well to dropping added pounds when I adjust my eating to more responsible intake.
By connecting to the principles that I embraced when I lost my first five pounds, I am able to keep my focus on maintaining and fulfilling other life goals. In many ways I feel that I have an advantage because I had a major weight problem. I have an irrefutable testimony that no matter where you are in life you can overcome it and make changes for the better. Never underestimate the strength of the human constitution.
In some respects I appreciate having the excessive weight because it sort of protected me. Being so overweight kept me from getting involved in more relationships that were toxic and detrimental to me. I have had my share of bad relationships but because I have been committed to on-going personal growth and development, it helps me to be an all-around healthier person.
My life focus centers around completing and fulfilling my purpose. Excessive weight is one issue that could have blocked me from realizing my destiny. Everyone has something to overcome. For me, it is a matter of being conscious of my choices. I choose to not be disempowered by self-imposed obstacles and I live a very circumspect life.
While I am proud to have achieved such monumental weight loss that has resulted in a more appealing and attractive outer person, my daily devotion and vocation is to cultivate my inner beauty. In the same way that I wanted people to not allow my former girth to cause them to miss the true gifts that were within me, now that I am considered to be aesthetically beautiful, I still know that my greatest beauty lies within.
By living life consciously, I pay attention to making proper connections to circumstances and their associated consequences. It is my daily desire to be a better person. This is central to my faith. Above all, I want to be an instrument of God’s will. As such, I firmly believe that I was entrusted with my life story for His glory.
My life work centers around sharing messages that empower others to be their best. My life passions are still reading, writing and helping others. The most important thing to me is to help others to connect to their truest self. There is no greater joy for me than when I use my voice of success to help others to connect to their purpose, power and potential.
Losing over 300 lbs. gives me irrefutable evidence that I am a true over-comer. As I consider the strong will that I exhibited from the womb, I believe that I was born for this. With great earnest, I desire that everything about me represent messages of victory, triumph and conquering. Because I have conquered much, I am able to translate and transform others with my energy.
Anyone who is in the room with me for over 5 minutes will also feel like a victor. Every fiber within me communicates my substance and wonder-filled life story....which proclaims: Yes I am, Yes I can and Yes I will!
Please share your life enrichment experiences with me...........
I look forward to celebrating your successes with you!
